


Constant

by veryconfidentsandwichshapedfreedom



Category: Divergent Series - Veronica Roth
Genre: Alternate Universe - Age Changes, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Emotional Roller Coaster, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, I cried writing this and then cried again editing it, Letters, Love Letters, M/M, Pet Names, Prison
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-27
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-08-11 07:53:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 1,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7882945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/veryconfidentsandwichshapedfreedom/pseuds/veryconfidentsandwichshapedfreedom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"You're too good to me, Carrot."</i>
</p><p>Peter is in prison for the next five to seven years. Drew is willing to wait.</p><p>Told through letters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_Petey,_

_I know you did it, but I'm sure you had your reasons, okay? You were caught too soon, and we didn't get a chance to talk this over. I've been with you basically our whole lives, and I'm never going to leave you, so don't worry about that. Just control your urges and you'll be released soon enough, love._

_Words cannot describe how much I miss you. I feel like I've lost everything without you, like I'm just walking in circles and waiting for guidance. You were the one thing I had in life that was a constant. Even after Molly died, you stayed with me. I couldn't thank you enough for that. You're braver than I'll ever even hope to be, and you're everything I aspire to become in life. I haven't slept in three days thinking about you._

_I'm about to cry on the page, so I'll stop writing, I guess._

_I'm so obsessed with you._


	2. Chapter 2

_I have never seen anything so intimate come out of your mouth in person, and I've known you for eighteen years now. We both know that I'm not good at this emotion stuff, but I'm going to try anyway, because I owe it to you._

_You're too good to me, Carrot. You're the only person I've ever felt anything for that wasn't forced out of obligation. I'm pure evil, and I feel good doing things that hurt people. Yet you stay with me._

_I'm going to act my best so that maybe I can come comfort you in five years. Can I do that? It feels so forced when I see you crying and I have to come over and ask what's wrong. I want to be a good man for you. I want to move past how I've been, because, as I said before, you deserve every bit of it. Maybe jail is what I needed. They promised me a psychologist starting next month, and I guess that's something I could benefit from._

_I hope this letter goes through. When I got your last one, it smelled a little like you._

_Forever and always,_

_Peter_

_P.S._   
_Was that closing flowery enough for you, Drew?_


	3. Chapter 3

_Petey,_

_Sorry this came so late. You probably thought the staff rejected it or something. I just needed a few days to think about everything you told me._

_I hope you do good with the psychologist. I think they'll help you, and anything that helps you helps me. You're the reason I breathe, Peter. It feels so empty without you next to me. I'm not even sure I know what to do with myself now that you're not around._

_Don't be so hard on yourself. You can bully other people, and you can bully me, I'll take it and smile, but don't bully yourself. I've only gone along with your plans, only done some of the things you like to do because I love you and seeing you happy makes me happier than anything in the world. I'm putting myself in this situation on purpose, and there's no way I can be too good to you._

_I know that you think you're a bad person. You're wrong. You're a good person who does bad things and there's so much difference, so much difference that you don't even realize._

_I still miss you horribly. I sleep with your letter under my pillow, and I know I'm going to check the mailbox every hour for your next one the moment I get this sent out. I've slept some, but not much._

 _There's an extra sheet of paper in this envelope in case you need it_.


	4. Chapter 4

_Carrot, I've done some thinking, and I realize that I didn't always give you the respect you needed. I know you don't care whether I respect you or not, even whether I love you or not, but I think that in the past I haven't been the best guy to you, when you've done nothing but treat me like a god. I've seen enough normal couples interacting to know that I'm supposed to tell you that I'm sorry. I'm sorry._

_I read through your letter several times trying to believe it. Why do you love me? I'm not bullying myself. I'm being honest. I'm terrible. When I finally sank that knife into my manager's eye, I felt joy. I know normal people are supposed to feel horror. But it still kind of feels good that you have the choice of anyone in the world, people who aren't fucked up the way I am, people who aren't sitting in a dirty cell with a guard watching them write every love letter, but you'd still pick me._

_I'm not a different person than the boy you and Molly grew up with, I just finally trust you enough to put away the act I show everyone else and talk to you about how much I hate myself._

_I miss every freckle on your little face. Just keep counting the months. We're almost to one._

_I still love you._

_\- Peter_


	5. Chapter 5

_Petey,_

_I called in, and I'm both approved and on your visiting list. I'm trying to clear up time to drive out of Chicago and come see you for a bit. I bet you're excited just reading this._

_I don't know why I keep loving you. Something told me right from the beginning that we were meant to be together. You're different from anyone I've ever met, and if I lost you permanently, I could never find anyone even close to replacing you. I wouldn't be able to survive without you._

_Honest as you believe it is, it hurts me when you think that way, Peter. Just keep reminding yourself that you at least want to change and that you know some of the things you do hurt others, and that makes you better than a lot of people who behave like you. You might not know why you're supposed to do certain things for people, but by doing them anyway, you're starting to improve._

_I don't have much drive to do anything with you gone. It feels like life has lost all meaning except writing these letters. There is nothing without you. Only remembering your presence helps me cope_.


	6. Chapter 6

_I shook reading this for the first time. I want to see you so badly that it almost hurts. I can't wait._

_I had my first meeting with the psychologist. I don't trust her. She's going to use anything I tell her against me. I want to change, but how can I when the people who are supposed to help me are impossible to talk to? I want you to know that if you weren't around, I would have lied straight to her face. I mean, I still don't trust her, but if it helps me, I'm willing to do it. I caught myself lying a few times just out of habit, and I managed to stop before any damage was done._

_You're turning me into what I've always wanted to be, Carrot. Eventually, she's going to tell me what I need to do and I'm going to do it for you as much as for myself. I can't thank you enough._

_I'm still feeling urges to hurt people. I'm going to bring it up in a week during the next session, so maybe someday I can be normal and make myself as happy as you are._

_I miss you too. Don't do anything stupid. Do something with yourself while I'm gone. I feel like I should say something else, comfort you more, but I don't know what to say. Everything I try to write feels so stiff and unnatural._

_I love you._

_\- Peter_


	7. Chapter 7

_Petey,_

_I'm proud of you. I'm so, so proud of you. Do you feel better now? You knew the will to change was within you all along, and now that you're finally starting to see it, are you as proud of yourself as I am?_

_Just remember, anything that you can use to cope is good. Think anything at all if it'll help you. And remember that I would die in a heartbeat if it would make you happy._

_When you said that you'd lie to her if I weren't around, did you sort of say you use the thought of me to keep yourself rational? I do the same thing with you. Sometimes, I want to end it, because life isn't the same without you leading me through it. Before I can hurt myself, I remember that you're here, maybe not physically, but you're here and that's what matters._

_I'm rambling you to death, aren't I? I love you too._


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S BEEN ELEVEN MONTHS KIDS AND IT'S BACK TO ASSAULT YOUR FEELINGS ALSO I CHANGED THE RATING SO I CAN HAVE DREW TALK ABOUT THE D

_I don't deserve you, do I?_

_I feel so disgusted with myself, and I wonder why you're here. I used to think that I did stupid shit that got me into trouble, and you just went along with it because you were stupid and desperate. Is that what you're doing now?_

_The psychologist told me that it's too early to make a diagnosis, but I don't process empathy like a normal person, that I read people well, that I'm barely, barely capable of loving, and, even then, only with certain people. Maybe I'm not actually capable of love and what I feel about you isn't love at all. It doesn't scare me, but I would rather have it not be true. Being with you is normal, now. It's the status quo. And waking up one day and realizing that it never was anything real would confuse me._

_You always pour your heart out when we write, even though you try so hard to look tough and stoic for me when we're in public, and you always stay quiet to let me shine. I'd hate to find out that I'm not paying back my debt to you for that._

_That's what this is to me, she says. Me paying back a debt to you. She asked me about my life before I got locked up, my childhood, my interests, my family, if I had a girlfriend. I was going to make someone up, a girl, obviously, to lessen the awkwardness, but then I realized that she's probably going to find out about our letters either way, and she might be reading everything I send out anyway, so I might as well take the high road like an adult and be honest._

_While I told her about you, her fingers started flying over her keyboard, and after a minute of typing, she said that I'm just paying back a debt by calling myself your boyfriend, and that's all it is. An exchange._

_I'm not sure what to make of that yet, but I know that it's not supposed to be that way._ _Hell, I'm not sure what to make of anything anymore. But I'm happy to have you._ _Right now, you're the only thing that makes sense to me. I hate things that don't make sense._

_At least you're consistent. It's a pathetic compliment, but, hey, it's becoming a rarer trait to find._

_\- Peter_


End file.
